I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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