I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
