she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize