highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize