my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
