there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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