I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Dick very happy bro
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
