you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
