My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Randomize