i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
