tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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