I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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