I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
