I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
