weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
