I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
