I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
