I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
And then my night got REAL pukey
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
