Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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