I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
and eventually we just all took our pants off
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
