how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
