Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
