I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
