happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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