my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
