SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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