I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
