Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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