the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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