Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
