In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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