I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
areolas are like halos for boobs.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
