apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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