I met the friendliest cop last night
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
