I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
