She is in my trunk
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize