$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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