I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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