is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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