i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
