I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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