My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
