I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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