So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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