I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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