Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
