had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
