I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
