I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
