I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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