I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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