he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
