please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
