My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
