she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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