dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
