Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
