Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
