I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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