I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I would fuck him just for his dog
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize