I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
