Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Randomize