just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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