Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
