I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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