This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
