My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
