Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize