You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
