god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
the condom got lost in my hair
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
