i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
