I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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