So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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